So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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