I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
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