when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize
