when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
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