Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
i think im in europe. pls send help
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
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