i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
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