i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
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