I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Randomize
