i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
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