Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
