I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
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