you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
