I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
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