I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
S and I had anal without a condom because I'm on my rag but he didn't finish. Should I still take Plan B?
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Randomize
