Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
