I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
