I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
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