Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
