my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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