I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
You're like the curious george of whores
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
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