Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
Omg I joined a choir last night...
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