Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
Randomize
