i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
