You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Randomize
