I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Randomize
