I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Randomize
