I CAN MOONWALK!
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
Randomize
