i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I may have discovered that porn hub is on my top visited sites during class this morning.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Randomize
