I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
only if we run a train.
done.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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