I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
