I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
Applied 4 a nanny job usin a Legit Site. Xplain to me how the couple I found offered me a 3some complete with 'sexy pics' of the wife blowin hubby. wtf?
obviously you're part succubus.
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
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