If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
