she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Randomize
