oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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