im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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