I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
