hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
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