i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
Randomize
