Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
Why can't burritos get me drunk
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
