A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
3 different guys in my psych class know me as 3 different names and said hi to me with all 3 different names-Andrea, Grace, and Bella
I've never been more proud of you
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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