Becky drew a cock on my face and is making me sit on the step.
what did you do that she drew a cock on your face and supplemental questions why did you let her?
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
