Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
Randomize
