paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
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