Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
soo... how was my night?
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