Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Randomize
