i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
