when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
do all gilrs hav hair on thier vagaina ?
Don't drive home.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Randomize
