I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
