Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
so i was creeping on him today and there was like nothing new except he became a fan of getting dome
i wish i could be like. "i like giving dome, lets be friends"
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
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