how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Randomize
