dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
