I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
