can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
Randomize
