i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
