Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
