Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Randomize
