Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Randomize
